you know how they say that if you want something you have to let it go and it will come back to you.
How do I know this?
Please allow to me digress. We all have a thing that we want. Some people want money, power, love, kids…whatever it is…there is a thing. A thing that for whatever reason is unattainable.
So lets take the example of a woman who wants to be pregnant. She wants kids. She wants a family. (This is not me btw)
And she goes nuts trying to find a man to impregnate her because time really is a factor here…and a lot of men are babies themselves until 50 or so, so finding a man who is ready to accept responsibility in itself is a challenge. But she is relentless in her search because her body is begging her to try harder try harder look there… what about him?
And we get it. We get that she needs to be knocked up because it’s a biological urge. A FREAKING BIOLOGICAL URGE.
So we don’t think that she is crazy. It’s a story as old as time…
But then let’s move to someone like me who has never had that alarm go off. I had it for my business which is awesome and not exactly a human child. And I’ve worked my butt off for 15 years making it work which is a story without a straight line all on its own. But if I’m being totally transparent…I have my whole life been waiting for my Prince Charming. I think this a good time to say fuck you to Disney.
My whole life I have tried to un-believe that there is someone out there for me. I have tried to believe that staying present, loving my dog, being a great practitioner, and the best human I could be would be enough. But even I know as I’m doing it, that my inside voice is wondering when I’ll be allowed out of purgatory so I can finally meet my man and have the family I’ve been craving my entire life. When I have been present enough, not be “needy” long enough that I am finally ready to meet this man.
And life is dwindling. I’m no spring chicken. And I have loved…a lot…but I don’t think in the center of my heart I have actually ever been in love. Sure, I’ve said it…but I was more in love with the idea of being in love with that person.
And for a person who spends her life giving love….to never really have felt that thing I think I’m capable of feeling is…fucking depressing.
And folks I’ve tried so hard. I’ve gone totally monogamous for 2 year stretches where I just focus on work and myself. Thought if I could meditate it out of me then that BIOLOGICAL URGE would reveal itself as just another unfulfilled leftover Disney fantasy.
I’ve tried dating for long-ish periods of time men who were clearly not right for me, almost convincing myself I could make it work…only to be broken in the end by my own hand, thoughts, actions…subconsciously getting me the hell outta dodge.
And I’m not unhappy. I have an amazing life. I get to meet amazing souls. I get to travel wherever I want. I get to be engaged or silent… I get to sleep, eat, and play when I want.
But even as I say this, would I rather be doing partner yoga and drinking coffee with my man then typing this trifle out? I would rather be so blasé as to walk in the sunset holding hands with my mate. And no matter how hard I try…I can’t turn it off.
But this is fun too. And it is second best. Will always be second best.
I don’t know what the magic bullet is to bring the thing you most want to you. I don’t know how you are supposed to let that thing go when it’s covering your soul. I don’t know how long I can keep pretending that this absence which is felt so deeply is alive and beating within me. And I don’t know what good it will do when and if I stop pretending.
I know the theory that get what you’re supposed to get. Almost everything else in my life is charmed. And I guess if I spent more time being thankful for that…maybe then he’d find me?