I’ve been trying to get over you. To wash that gray right out of my hair. To Calgon take me away.
I’ve been trying to find something to fill my heart in the space that used to be occupied with you. With us.
I’ve been trying.
I thought I would be done by now. I thought I would be able to forget what it felt like when you looked at me from across a room. What it felt like to hold your hand. The tingles in my body so completely when you kissed me. The feel of you inside me. The warmth of you around me. That laugh. Those eyes. Your legs. But most of all, the way you looked at me and I could taste the love pouring into my soul.
I thought I could stop remembering. And I thought that meant that I had moved on.
But today I was driving literally under a rainbow that I’m sure had a pot of gold at the end, and as I came out the other side I saw it all so perfectly.
So it’s an open letter…because I bet this isn’t just for you.
I figured something big out.
In the end, looking back from the vantage point of completeness, what I experienced with you was the knowingness of being truly loved.
Loved to the bone to the core. And I don’t think that’s something I’ll ever be able to get over.
Nor would I want to.
Right? Why would I want to forget something as beautiful and graceful as that?
But that’s what’s making this so difficult. The absence of being that monumentally loved.
And so the rainbow glittered her fairy dust on me and I was like, “Yeah…why would I want to get rid of that?”
So I flipped it. Not the rainbow, but the thinking. It’s brilliant actually. I just thought….who in their right mind would try to scrub the memory of being held like a goddess? Of being loved down to the very cells that I am?
Here is what I got from our time, the gift you gave me….
I get to KNOW that in this lifetime I have been truly loved.
I get to know that I had that. That i felt that. That I loved myself enough to allow it. That I won!
It makes my heart feel so big and so full. It makes me feel so alive!
So if it’s alright with you I’m going to stop trying to get over you and start integrating that knowingness that I am lucky son of a gun.
And maybe I get to have that again. And maybe I don’t. But I can know for absolute certainty what that feels like. And for that, sweet soul…I thank you.
For that, my friend…I am changed forever.
So much Aloha.
What a beautiful gift.
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