Do arranged marriages work in India? I mean do they work from my White Privilege New Age way of thinking?
Let me back up…
At what point did we decide we a need a mate that matches every breath with our breath. That has every hobby the same. That has to be able to read our thoughts and not just have great sex, but give us mind-blowing out of body experiences every single time?
I look at the divorce rate in this country, hell, I look at how fast I have gone through partners and wonder why?
I swear the first answer that comes to me is, “I didn’t feel seen.”
Followed closely by, “I was bored.”
Then “we didn’t have anything to talk about” wants to slide right in there and be heard.
Hold the phones people. I really have used these excuses more times than I am comfortable admitting.
Do you think that if I didn’t have so much time on my hands I could get rid of most of those conundrums? It’s more than that of course. I didn’t mean to trivialize and minimize my feelings. I’m sorry self. I am the product of divorce, and though both of my parents got it right the second time…all 3 of my siblings are on their second marriage…and though I’m not remarried, I have been divorced as well.
When did your first marriage become the practice run?
Let’s look at this step by step, shall we?
I didn’t feel seen. Invisibility is a real issue in many couples. What I notice is that I when I’m feeling un-seen what I need to do is look inside and find that part of me that thinks I’m not good enough, and give her a big hug and then go do something fun. (There are a few steps missing here, like throwing myself a pity party, and crying my eyes out, and of course blaming everyone but myself until I get it…but for simplicity sake, let’s just stick with Big self hug and something fun to do!)
Once I start thinking that I’m worth being in the relationship, I can ask for things like love and hugs and attention from my partner..I can RECEIVE.
If we shut down the RECEIVING pathway…it’s like not watering a plant. It dies. That’s actually a great analogy. How many dead plants are in your house?
Moving on. Next, I was bored.
Someone far wiser than me once said, over and over….”Only boring people are bored.”
I do believe I cursed under my breath every time my mom said that to me, but sitting here with my tea and puppy I must agree.
How come when we are single we are always finding things to do? I know I used to have craft night when a girlfriend would come over and we would listen to my favorite radio show and just draw shit. Drink Tea. Play with puddy. Not be bored. I would clean the house while listening to This American Life. I would scour the local pap)er for authors doing book readings, for shows around town, for interesting Town Hall events. I would invite friends or go alone. I had dinner parties with themes.
And then, in relationship….I kinda sit there and stare at a wall and he says, “What do you wanna do?” And I exhale and drop my shoulders and say, “I don’t care.”
Yeah…that’s me being FUCKING BORING.
Nobody did that to me. I clearly did that to myself. Relationship didn’t bring out the boring in me…I got Lazy. That is clearly also not relationships fault.
It’s time to start looking at the local paper and finding things to do with and without my partner if that happens…right?
And lastly, we didn’t have anything to talk about. As soon as you decide there is nothing to talk about, all you start talking about is how there is nothing to talk about. You feel me right? And then it gets decided in your mind that your partner who you used to talk on the phone with for hours every night at the beginning of your shindig… who you used to close down restaurants with because you were so engrossed in your conversation. Who at one point was the most fascinating person you have ever met…has nothing to say?
Ahem. (Sorry, I had to clear my throat so I can talk some science into me here.)
That is sheer crazy talk.
GREAT! You are done rehashing your entire life to your partner. And now we are here in the present. Right where we should be. And this takes us back to the Number 2 complaint. Are you bored? Have you stopped being fun? Or back to number one? Have you stopped sharing with your partner because you think you have nothing valuable to say and you are just a little invisible speck hanging out the house?
There is ALWAYS something to talk about. Putting feelings aside, because my guy hates talking about those…there are dreams, passions, music, food, your day, the weather, politics (i don’t go there, but you may), your animals, your kids, the world, landscaping ideas, local shows, movies, books, the newest viral twerking video on facebook, space exploration, Neil Degrasse Tyson, Cooking, The theories behind any number of things, Gluten, raw, veganism, the world according to Garp…it goes on and on.
Christ, grab a local paper and read an article and discuss it if you are totally at a road block. Each take a side, then switch…make it a mock debate…it’s actually fun!
And remember most of all….
Silence is golden.
There is nothing wrong with being comfortable sharing space with someone in peace. In fact, it’s a blessing!
It seems in my grandparents time the only similarities in the relationship were matching track suits…they yelled at each other like it was their Oxygen…and I thought they hated each other…but let me tell you, when my grandfather laid in his hospital bed after his last stroke…the bed he would die in, every day though mostly unconscious, he would find my grandmothers hand on the bed and twirl her wedding ring around her finger. A habit he did their entire life together.
And those people who I thought hated each other sat in silence for hours on end, a dimension of their 60+year relationship I had never witnessed, just being and loving and supporting and breathing.
And I’ll be damned if I let my new age thinking that tells me that I have to mind link with another person, that he has to do yoga and meditate with me, and eat gluten free and drink Kombucha when he wants to get high, and can give me fifteen mind blowing orgasms each time we have sex which obviously is every day no matter what is going on in our lives.
I’m going to see if we can be happy in stillness. If we can be comfortable in silence. If when it really matters he listens, and is there for me.
If when the going gets tough, he sticks around.
And when the going gets tough, will I learn to?