Troubles like a life raft
Thank god for Tribe Called Quest Radio on Pandora.
I tried to drink a ton of gin and tonics to get out of my head.
No, actually first I tried to sit in meditation. Doing my mantra to Ganesh to remove the ties that bind, the thoughts that distract, the actions that I wish I could erase, but would settle for moving past.
Then, I went into the woods…smelled the scents it offered, walked amongst it’s fallen leaves and prayed to have the weight, so heavy upon me, lifted even for a moment.
In fact, I stood in the brilliant sunshine, the leaves a canopy over me, it’s light filtering through and warming my forehead as I prayed to be forgiven, to forgive myself.
And then I drove, driving always seems to help. With Dog as co-pilot I drove into the summer afternoon. Feeling the wind whip around me, and the strong bass from the radio shaking my soul.
But when all that failed, the only escape on this summers day seemed to be a stiff gin and tonic. Make that 4. And while my vision becomes encumbered. True. And my gait not so straight…and my reflexes less than adequate…the thoughts stay as focused as an on target arrow.
And so I’m left with the only remedy untouched, to tell the truth in my heart.
First to myself. Which is no easy task.
And then to him.
And what do I say.
I hate you.
But that’s not true, not even partially true. That’s just to cover up the pain that I’m feeling inside about how inadequate I feel in this time and space. It’s just the frustration of not knowing what to do, of where to go. It’s that space between knowing what’s next and having no freaking clue…and it’s …scary.
And so, with the gin and the tribe somehow I can forget. Can breathe for just a moment between songs. Chest heavy with exertion from the dancing. Each song a reminder of times long forgotten. And trade a little sweat for a little sobriety.
But I’m no closer than when I started this mess.
No closer at all.
But I’m 4 G-n-T’s down, I’m walking sloppy, and still holding on to the troubles as if they are my life raft.
My safety net.
And I’m sure this will turn out fine, like it always does. And I’m sure at some point I will learn to breathe through this, like I breathe through other shit…
But life is a bitch sometimes…and you just have to have the strength to keep moving forward. Even if it’s one tiny little step. Even if.