Cracked Open

I am cracked open.

Maybe it’s the supermoon in whatever sign it happens to be in.

Maybe it’s moving into harvest and I’m breaking open like the earth to reveal all it’s mysteries inside.

Maybe it’s just time to let go of shit I’ve been holding onto my whole life.  Stories that no longer serve me.  That simply weigh down the light that wants to shine from within.

And I know I’m not alone.

I know there are thousands if not hundreds of thousands of us out there in the same boat.  Tears flowing, wondering how to let go of this burden and find the freedom that surrounds us.

And then I, quite acciedently, read two of my friends new books at the same time.

To be fair…one is sort of a workbook…so I’m using that everyday and just finished reading the other friends book.  (Which is her incredible journey of deepening her shamanic practice through journeying with sacred mushroom medicine…and it’s a hell of a ride…I highly recommend it as an intense and incredible read.)

But this amazing synchronicity happened that I wanted to share…in case there are those out there having a bit of an emotional roller coaster and doing that Cracked Open thing I was talking about.

I was reading my friend Shonagh Home’s Book called Love and Spirit Medicine,

loveandspiritAnd I get to this section and it reads,

“We can’t solve our problems with the same mindset that created them.” –Shonagh Home

I immediately stop reading and go to my office and pick up Sadee Whip’s book called Radical Habits. The beginning of the book is amazing and I was struck when reading it of this idea she presents as looking at our thoughts and beliefs as a scale.  And the scale is tilted in the direction of your life’s experiences.  And if you just try to think differently it won’t really stick because in your soul contents…in your energy field you are FEELING this other thought.  And the way to shift that is to fill your life experiences with a different kind of thought.

“…as we begin to seek consciousness, as we actively set out on a path of greater awareness, it is absolutely crucial that we don’t just practice thinking better thoughts.  We must begin to collect new…experiences.” — Sadee Whip

For instance, most people on the planet just want to be loved.  And for a lot of the time, we go around feeling unlovable for one reason or another.  It’s weird.  I do it and I’m totally conscious of doing it.  And yet, I can’t seem to stop doing it.

So…the third piece of this little synchronicity thingy I was having is this…I was talking with a friend of mine who is a coach…her name is Ariella Shuster and she’s quite amazing…and she told me of a practice she was doing and suggested it would help with some of my core issues around being unable to receive.

Here is the exercise she shared with me:

You email some of your close friends…I chose 5.  And in this email you tell them something like this…

“I’m working on a core issue around receiving and it would mean a lot to me if you could email or text me for the next 3 days and tell me something special about myself, or simply that you love me.  My job is to receive it and not offer anything in return, including an email thank you.  Thank you for being in my inner love bomb circle and I love you very much.”

Now let me put it all together for you…

Oh, Here is what Sadee’s book looks like…it’s fantastic…she gives you the meaning of life and then gives you  a years worth of exercises to step into your brilliance.  Buy it.


Deep Breath…

All three of these amazing women are spot on.  And the message is so clear I can’t ignore it.  And not that I’m telling you what to do or anything, but you shouldn’t either.

Now is the time to look at all that stuff in our closets…to literally Crack it open…and get to that bottom old core shit and look at it.  Don’t judge it…don’t blame it…just be with it.  And in that space, breathe.

Then figure out how to create situations in your life that are opposite of that, that support you and empower you instead of tearing you down and demoralizing you.

If you are feeling unlovable….find out how to get into situations where you feel loved.  I can tell you, receiving the love from my inner circle of friends feels absolutely amazing.  If you are feeling unworthy…find ways that you are and start really locking into the knowingness of that.

But that’s the piece…the piece that can’t be forgotten…you have to make sure you are logging these emotions, these love bombs as what they are.

When my friends email me, as I’m reading it…I’m saying to myself that I can receive this.  That it feels good.  That I am a great receiver…

And it feels…good.

Love ? I love love love you.

Love ? I love love love you. (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

So, I am changing my mindset…I am a great receiver…and I’m getting to weigh that scale with actual memories and feelings in real time of that being true…and I can honestly say, I can feel a shift.

I am cracked open.  And that openness is allowing floods of love to come streaming into me.  And by George, I’m really receiving it!

Now you try.


Emotional Climate Zones

I was just talking with someone about what it was like to grow up with Angry male role models.

For an empath like me, it was very difficult.

This probably has a lot to do with me falling for my ex-husband.  He was the first man to show me that Father’s could be kind.  Not just sometimes, but KIND…all the time.  I literally had no idea.  My favorite example is this one particular day, it was an important learning day for me near the beginning of our relationship.

On this day we were in the garage at this house with a new car.  It was the first time pulling in and it was a tight fit because it was a small garage. It was my ex’s first new car in 15 years.  His old car was a BMW that basically wheezed every time you turned it on and wished it could just die already.

So we unloading from some serious grocery shopping, and were standing at the back of the  car at the open trunk while unloading said groceries  and his daughter, like always, did her job and pressed the button at the other end of the garage to lower the garage door.

My ex leans over and yells “press it again press it again….” but it was too late, the garage door came down right on the trunk and gashed his brand new purchase.  I made it to the button and pressed it again to raise the heavy door–but the damage was done.

We immediately noticed that his daughter was crying and he dropped the groceries and ran over to her and started examining her and asking, “What’s wrong?  Where are you hurt?”  And she said, through tears and sobs, “I hurt the car.”

He sat back on his haunches and hugged her and pulled her away, and said, “It’s just a car.  Please don’t scare me like that.  It’s just a car.”

It was then I realized I was holding my breath, and that every muscle in my body was ready to get yelled at and perhaps hit.  He patted her on the but and said, “Get upstairs silly, the car will be fine.”

I could have passed out.

I knew right then I would marry him.

He walked back to the trunk, ran his finger across the gash in his no-longer-store-bought new baby, and shrugged his shoulders.  He didn’t notice I was white as a sheet.  And I never mentioned it.  It took me a few hours to process that a father could just see a mistake as a mistake and not blame anyone.  And over the years, as our relationship dwindled down to a friendship…I never ever forgot that gift.

Because my fathers were two different types of storms while I was growing up.  (I’m happy to report they are both very different men now.)

Satellite view of cyclone.

Satellite view of cyclone. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My biological father was like a bad storm in Colorado.  It was deep, and mean, and cold…but you knew it was coming and the sun was still out.  The weather would drop and the forecast was clear, you knew it was coming. But it didn’t invade your soul, it just stung your cheeks, and your bum when you landed in it while skiing.

Now my step-father was more like a particularly bad winter on an Island in the Pacific North West. It was wet, and cold, and windy and it got into your pores and your skin and you couldn’t warm up from it without significant effort…and just when you thought you were warm, you would get smacked with the system all over again.  It was like walking on a tight-rope with no net, in high winds.

I bring this up, because I have other people in my life that feel like being on a tropical island.  And folks that feel like a perfect fall day in Vermont.  And I notice, as I sit here with my Jasmine tea this morning that I can quite easily put everyone I know into some  type of weather pattern…and that I actually have a very beautiful little diagram happening.

Have you ever thought about emotions that way?

I know, for instance, when I get low…I’m exactly like a gray rainy day.  Maybe for some parts of the experience it gets windy, maybe a little hail….and then back to more rain.   On the other hand, when I’m having a good day, it’s like the perfect 75 degrees and sunny with a light breeze and no clouds.

And then I wonder if it isn’t our emotionality that’s affecting weather patterns?  And not the other way around… (Yes, I think I’m a wizard, what of it?)

The High Priestess

The High Priestess (Photo credit: dayglotter_ivy)

So my next leap is…It’s important to have those rainy days every now and again, because it’s good for the earth.  And it’s good to have those windy days because it blows away the dust and pollen.  And it’s great to have those sunny days because we freaking love the giddy happiness of summer, obviously.

What are your emotional climate zones? And how can you ensure yours are feeding the planet…and by extension, yourself?  And, when we recognize our weather patterns, if we don’t like them…can we just pick up and move to some zone we like better?  I realize this would take an immense amount of visualization…but…isn’t the Earth worth it?

Just some sunny 72 degree thoughts for you this absolutely beautiful day.

It is unveiled…

After many months of writing and many more months of editing I officially release my sweet first book….The Internet Dating Bible.

My sweet cover designed by Whitney Pearce extraordinaire..

My sweet cover designed by Whitney Pearce extraordinaire..

I have started a new little website to promote it.  It also has the first couple of chapters up there, so you can get taste of what you are in store for…

And it would be my absolute honor when you read this, if you would attach it to your blog or twitter verse or whatever type of social media floats your boat.

I am self published and fueled on the success fumes of Mackelmore….and now understand the power of the people.

Thank you people for sharing the word and letting the public decide what has value to them.

And thank you for joining me in this day of total excitement! May it be the first of many!


Lasagna, Orgasms and Englightenment

One time I went to this restaurant in Redmond, Wa.  It was a little hole in the wall place that had been there forever.  But it smelled like an Italian place, you know?  Those certain ingredients that when mixed just so, make a space smell like an Italian joint.  I had been there many times before and usually ordered gnocchi.

But this time, for some reason, I ordered the Lasagna.  He told me it would take 30 minutes to prepare, so I ordered wine and sat back and waited.

When it arrived it was in this white dish, it was bubbling, and the steam fudged up my glasses.  But I inhaled, and in that inhalation knew I had found the answers to all my prayers.

Almost like a slow motion movie I picked up my fork, licked my lips, dug into the cheesy wonderfullness of the pie and brought it all hot and bubbling to my lips.  I inhaled again, deeply, feeling the acid in my stomach getting ready to greedily devour what I was about to undertake.

And then I did it.  I took a bite.  Eyes closed.  Shoulders relaxed.  It was me, the chair, the fork, the table and the most amazing lasagna I had ever had the pleasure to gorge on (slowly and purposefully of course.)

Can you feel me here?  I mean it just wasn’t your average run of the mill experience with food.  It was breath-takingly delicious.  It melted into my soul.

I finished the whole thing.  Of course I did.

Español: Un plato de lasaña.

Español: Un plato de lasaña. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And I waited a month.  A month I waited to return to Mecca and order the lasagna again.  A month that lasted a year.  I never forgot about the way it made my body feel to just smell it, let alone taste it.  And on the anniversary of our first meeting I returned to this hole in the wall joint, armed with a book and ready to wait…I would wait an hour, or even two to have this manna.

And it came…it was bubbling and sizzling in it’s virginal white dish.  It steamed my glasses and when I brought it to my mouth to take a bite…something was different.

It was just good Lasagna.  There was no magic.  None.

I was deflated.  I felt swindled.  I wish I had known this was just a one time thing because I would have frozen it and just had one bite a month, savoring it and allowing it to stay, knowing I could find it whenever I needed to taste it.

This is what enlightenment really looks like.  The memory of perfect Lasagna.  The reality of good Lasagna.

Let me give you another example if I may.

Have you had an orgasm?  Solo or with another, or many others if you are so inclined…  You know how you go about life with all your partners and sometimes you come and sometimes you don’t (If you’re a woman) and some are good, really good.  And some are great.  And some…meh.

And then, out of the blue when you are least expecting it, this energy fills up inside you.  It’s this pulsating rhythm of life and it’s growing from a hidden compartment you didn’t even know you had.  And you just know that there is nothing that can stop this from happening.  This energy is going to roar out of you if he changes his rhythm or not.  And then, like the grace of God, you cum.  But this orgasm eclipes all other orgasms.  It’s almost like you never came before.  It’s almost like you THOUGHT you were having all these orgasms your whole sexual life, but they were just little county fairs, not a huge Barnam and Bailey explosion of awsomeness.

So you can’t wait to have sex again….and you look for that secret chamber where this turbo amazing orgasm is stored and in doing so you miss what’s actually happening and in the end perhaps don’t even come at all, since you were so preoccupied trying to make this mega earth shaker come back.  And you dive into this sorta gasm-induced depression, like starvation…and wonder if that was just a fluke and it will never happen again….not like that…it’s back to run of the mill body explosions.

This is also what enlightenment looks like.

Still not feeling me?  Do I need to draw better conclusions because all you can think about is food and fucking?


So much for artistry….gone are the days of innuendo and poetry I tell you…

There is no such thing as enlightenment.

Let me say it again so it’s crystal clear.  There is no such thing as ENLIGHTENMENT.  There is such a thing as the journey towards said huge overused word.

Yes, I know what I’m saying and I offer my mouth-wateringly perfect lasagna and the orgasm I had in 1999 and never again since as evidence, that even after you reach a state of utter perfection…life goes back to fucking normal.

You go to the grocery store and fill up on food.  You go home and do what?  Eat all the food.  Then you have to go back to the grocery store.  It’s not done.  You don’t have food forever.  It’s a process, a journey.

Yes of course we grow and change and plod along.  Yes we have days that rock the free world where no one can stop us, and days where we have to get peeled off the pavement.  That’s called life.  And enlightenment isn’t some static gateway you walk through, like the Spinx’s from Never Ending Story.


It’s a process, and it can’t be mapped.  So sometimes you guess wrong and take the path away from it, and sometimes you guess right and take a step towards it.  But away from and towards are still leading to the same place, a place you will never achieve because it’s actually about the journey….but you are making a really lovely dance.

It’s every moment in my dance that led me to the restaurant at that time, with the willingness to explore something new in the moment.  It’s every moment that led me to this boy and lowered all my defenses so I could connect in an truly, deeply, authentically gorgeous way.  But then I moved on, and had new experiences in life and have huge awakenings in them as well….they just aren’t as fun to talk about as food and sex.

So i guess what I’m saying is that Enlightenment is more like a hugely complicated twister game.

Twister is a game by Milton Bradley, a divisio...

Twister is a game by Milton Bradley, a division of Hasbro. Description at Flickr: game&ga_search_type=tag_title&ga_page=&min=&max=&order=… (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sometimes your hand and feet leave you standing and celebrating.  And sometimes, they leave you on your ass, defeated, for a moment.  But either way, you are still on the path towards enlightenment….which I guess makes you perfect in every moment.

And yes, I will never give up the search for lasagna made of manna.  Never.  And I will also never stop hoping to have that orgasm I found in 1999 on the reg.  And perhaps I will circle back to both at some point, but this time I will sit with each of them longer and appreciate the living hell out of them before they travel onward…